Finding Fun in New Faces and Families

There was a time in Kirsten Freitag Murray's life, when she first moved to Lancaster with her young family in 1990, that she had what she considered "a triple whammy." She explains, "I was a brand-new mom, not working and in a new place."

It's a position so many moms find themselves in ... their lives, careers and families have been uprooted for a move to a new town. Both natives of Hartford, Conn., Kirsten and her husband, Michael, moved to Lancaster for his professorship position in the philosophy department at Franklin & Marshall College, where he still teaches today. As Kirsten puts it, "I didn't know a soul." Unlike herself, everyone around Kirsten already seemed to have plenty of friends and family, and, she thought at the time, they didn't seem interested in wanting more. The situation can be disheartening. But, if you're Kirsten, it's a challenge you attack.

"You have to have a plan, and, if it's not in your personality, go outside your comfort zone and talk to everyone," she urges. And talk to everyone she did. Kirsten enrolled in a class at F&M, began swim lessons with her first baby, Sam, shopped at Lancaster's Central Market and became a regular at Wish You Were Here restaurant in the city's downtown neighborhood. She also found friends and a leadership role in a local mothers' group. "It doesn't have to cost a lot of money," she says, citing opportunities such as markets and playgrounds as perfect places to meet other moms. "Be open-minded. There are so many things to do here."

Now, 18 years later, Kirsten uses that same can-do attitude in her role at COBYS Family Services, a not-for-profit agency that supports local families by offering adoption and foster care services, counseling, a teen mother and child group home, and educational classes.  As supervisor of the organization's family education initiative, Kirsten oversees a staggering number of courses and presentations -- over 200 classes, workshops and speaking engagements every year. What parents should know is that these classes are free and available to everyone. COBYS programs reach out to everyone from new parents to families with special needs to children with families in transition. And topics of discussion range from school bullying to body image in children. For more information on programs, visit www.cobys.net.

"The philosophy of our department is that parenting is a relationship," she says. "When I say that to [a class], it's like a light-bulb moment." Kirsten believes that we have to push aside the idea that parenting is a job, and embrace the opportunity to make children a part of the dialogue. If parents keep that in mind, then things we strive to teach our children -- grace, cooperation and respect -- will follow.

"It's easier to look at [parenting] like a job, but we do damage to our relationships if we approach it that way."

In fact, Kirsten continues, take the opposite approach and make "fun" your family's motto. It sounds contrary to the role of authority we've been given as moms, but she emphatically believes it's important to each family's health. When Kirsten teaches a COBYS class, her first homework assignment to participating families is planning a family-fun activity. This involves more than selecting an activity. It requires that family members speak with each other to understand everyone's expectations, schedules and needs. A dialogue begins to unfold.

And does she follow this advice herself? She laughs when she says, "I wouldn't care if the dishes were in the sink. I was the mom who was always playing on the swings!"

Family: Married to husband Michael 23 years; children, Sam, 18, Elise, 15, Julia, 13.

Pet: Peekaboo the cat.

Employment: Supervisor of Family Life Education at COBYS Family Services.

A helpful piece of advice for parents: Be realistic about your kids' chores. We all have our own little piles, and even we [adults] don't always clean up as we go along.

What COBYS taught me: It's OK to try new things, even if they fail. At work, I learned to let my team go with their strengths and fill in the gaps from there. It helped me with mothering.

Activity we share as a family: We eat together every night and often share in the cooking. It's part of who we are. (See the Murray family's peach pie recipe below.)

Romantic how-I-met-my-husband story: He tutored me in chemistry my junior year in high school; he was a senior. We went to separate colleges and wrote a letter every day to each other. I still have them.

My family's favorite meal is: Steamed lobsters, freshly sliced tomatoes, steamed corn and salad. It was Sam's "send-off" meal before going to college this fall.

The books on my nightstand: "Blink," by Malcolm Gladwell; "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child," by John Gottman, Ph.D.

My ideal weekend: Biking over to Nauset Beach in Orleans, Mass., building sandcastles and playing cards later in the day.

I am passionate about: Creating a space for my family to flourish; not to just stay within the expected, but to look for unique ways to be out in the world.

What I always tell my kids: Sit up straight and keep your wings (arms, elbows and upper body) off the table.

The most challenging part of being a mom: Being consistent.

If I had more time: I'd do a little bit more of everything I'm doing now.

Exercise of choice: I teach Pilates and spinning at Conestoga Valley Community Center.

When I indulge: I love to sit in my backyard after work and read The New York Times (the actual paper, not online).

A surprising fact about myself is: I was kicked out of the sixth grade and it took me three years to get back into public school.

Musical preferences: I listen to everything (with some discretion), from Coldplay to Michael Buble.

If we have out-of-town visitors, we take them: To Cherry Hill Orchards for peach-picking, Central Market and/or the Jigger Shop in Mount Gretna.

The Murray Family Peach Pie Recipe

Crust: 

2 cups flour  
1 teaspoon salt 
2/3 cup plus 1 tablespoon shortening 
3 tablespoons cold water 

In large bowl, add flour and salt. Cut in the shortening with a pastry knife. Stir in water until dough comes together. Divide in two, and roll out between wax paper.  Line pie plate, add filling and cover with second crust.  Seal edges and cut vent. 

Filling: 

3.5 cups peaches (picked at Cherry Hill Orchards) 
1.5 cups raspberries (fresh or frozen) 
1 cup sugar 
1/4 cup flour 
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon 
2 tablespoons butter, cut on top of filling before adding top crust 

Bake at 425 degrees for 35-45 minutes.