"How did you find out?"

This is the most frequently asked question, once someone learns you have breast cancer.  Or the question goes , "Did you find the lump or did your doctor?" Then assumptions are made and someone asks, "How many mammograms had you missed?"  The answer to those FAQ's are, in my case, respectively:  I knew something was wrong because I had chronic breast pain, which intensified, from late summer to late October.  I didn't find a lump, but noticed that my breast was gel-like in the painful area.  I had not missed any regularly scheduled mammograms, and had my most recent one in February 2008, 10 months prior to diagnosis.

Here's the thing.  Every woman you talk to, who has received a breast cancer diagnosis, will answer those questions differently.  There are a few lessons here.  You need to know your breasts.  You need to be persistent about getting any differences checked out.  When I went in for the appointment, my doctor did say that pain is not usually associated with cancer--of course, we both wanted to hope for the best and there were no other warning signs. Simply having a mammogram does not keep you safe.  You should receive a written copy of your mammogram report and compare the written text to the previous year's mammogram.  Notice for yourself any differences that are mentioned.  Be assertive if you have any doubts.

The fact that every woman's experience with breast cancer is so unique brings up another important aspect of being the parent, friend, sister or co-worker of the woman diagnosed with BC.  "My friend was diagnosed 10 years ago and she is doing GREAT!", or "I have a co-worker who is going through the EXACT SAME THING"--doubtful!  No single case of breast cancer or course of treatment is exactly the same.  Every BC patient's life situation and support network varies widely.  So, resist all temptation of telling her everything will be fine.  First of all, it may not be fine.  Secondly, even if the cancer is eliminated and she lives another 50 years, she will never be the same.  She may lose both breasts (and all of the functions that go with those breasts), or she may have multiple lumps/tumors removed and never know when another will appear, or she may lose her hair during chemotherapy or she may lose her job because she wasn't able to take an FMLA.  The possibilities for change are endless.

There are possibilities for change in the "GOOD" column too, but it is never the right thing for anyone, other than the cancer patient, to verbalize that. When your friend tells you about her diagnosis, bite through your tongue before you even think of telling her what good things might come of this. There is one, and only one thing to say.  

"I am sorry."  That's it.  Nothing more.  

Journal entries from February 2009-September 2009 @ caringbridge.com enter "kirstenmurray"