Comment From Amy

I'm in my late thirties, and as I age I know that breast cancer will be affecting my peers, and perhaps me, more and more in the coming years. Can you talk a little bit about reaching out to friends when they have just been diagnosed? What brought you comfort or made you smile during this process?

Good question.  If your friend is diagnosed I would say the first thing is: all you can say is: "I'm sorry."  And really that is all you should say.

You should also think of practical ways to help her and just do them. Don't wait for the call asking for your help. It won't come. Practical things that you can do are: take the kids, get groceries, make a meal, do the laundry when you stop in, and do stop in! If you are really close, offer to help her with her shower, change the sheets on her bed and/or wash and blow dry her hair.

I set up a caringbridge website which allows you (the patient) to share information about your path through your illness with others who are concerned about you.  This helped us to stay in touch with everyone without hours on the phone recounting the same details endlessly.  It also provides an opportunity for people to post feedback and messages, which are often (but not always!) a great encouragement.

Through the website people were able to contact a friend of ours who coordinated the provision of meals. This was a huge help as we attended appointments, dealt with insurance, recovered from surgery, etc. We received meals three to four times a week for about six months. Having cancer is a full time job for the whole family, and life goes on. So while my husband took on taking care of me, dealing with his own emotions, extra household duties--he still had his normally full plate with work and parenting. It is an extremely stressful time.

I called out all of the troops (my friends and family) about two weeks prior to surgery for a big PINK PARTY/ONE LAST WHIRL WITH THE GIRLS PARTY. I had been hibernating while dealing with all of this new information, doctors' appts. and decision-making and I needed to see everyone and let them know that I was going to need them. It was bittersweet and did pull everyone together.

One friend drove me to a full day of appointments (in Philly) a few times and then camped out in my room two days after surgery so Michael could get some fresh air and just a break in general.  She came loaded with magazines and movies--which I was not in any shape to watch or read, but I was able to weeks later.  It meant the world to me to just have her there, spending time with me and then cheering me on as I hobbled down the hall for the first time!  My kids Skyped me from home for the first few days and came to the hospital three days after surgery and that was a definite spirit-lifter. It's all about relationships for me!

Right when I got home from the hospital, my sister made my most favorite comfort food in the universe--New England Clam Chowder--Great Aunt Ivah's recipe. My sister-in-law took me to the mall to shop for a bra--sounds pretty easy, but it wasn't.  You can imagine all of the emotional and physical implications of being in the lingerie department two weeks after a mastectomy--and looking at myself under the freaky dressing room lighting.  She made calls to different stores to see what they had to offer and led the way once we got there.  It was very overwhelming and I never could have done that without her initiative and encouragement.  My other sister-in-law drove me to a track meet to watch the girls compete (on a frigid cold day) and then grilled fish for us for dinner that night--one of our favorites.

Two of my aunts made quilts for me--I was overwhelmed with emotion when I received those in the mail, and even though my aunts are not local and I rarely see them, I really felt the love that went into making those for me--and they triggered great memories as well.  I will admit, I loved each and every floral arrangement I received and I have a huge basket full of cards and letters.  Never underestimate the power of a card--even if you don't know someone very well.  I know it took a lot of guts for my friends to see me because I understand that no ones knows what to say.  It was so encouraging when people put aside their own fears and offered to take a walk with me, or to stay and talk for a few minutes when they dropped off a meal.  It can be very lonely to have cancer, so time is a perfect gift.

My husband arranged for my hairdresser to come to our home two weeks after my surgery. In the middle of March (the doldrums anyway!), she did my highlights, gave me a scalp massage and a very spunky cut--wow, that was the greatest. I was in so much pain, but it felt so wonderful to be pampered in my own home.  A friend sent me a flat of gorgeous purple and yellow pansies, along with a note saying she and her daughter would do the planting!  I loved the days when someone brought lunch over, took a walk with me and just took the time to be with me--it also meant  the world to be able to be honest during these visits--I am not good at pretending.  Several friends took the train with me to Philly for my radiation treatment, and then we would have lunch.  Having to go for treatment every day for 7 weeks got old fast, and it was great to have company once in a while.  My recent experience with Beth Cardwell and her ThinkPinkPhotography put a big smile on my face and more confidence in my step!

I think the best guidance I can give on this is to think about your friend, think about what she values, along with what her challenges are, and try to do something along those lines to make her feel loved.