Week 31: Breastmilk, Bottles and Breaks  

Walking through the local drug store recently, I sought to look up an old friend of mine ... Lansinoh. That ooey, gooey substance that theoretically spells R-E-L-I-E-F for moms who are breastfeeding their babies. I must have gone through countless tubes of that stuff with our firstborn. I guess it helped; not quite sure. But given the horror stories I had heard from friends about cracking, bleeding, ugh ... the pain that can come with nursing, I figured it was too risky to not use it.  

There are undoubtedly many hazards along the journey into breastfeeding. I know women who would break down in tears when their babies would cry for milk, as it meant more pain or more frustration or more panic. It's hard to prepare for these pitfalls, especially when breastfeeding is promoted as the ideal. A bonding moment between mother and child. As I prepare for our second baby (and my reunion with Lansinoh), I think about how lucky I was that it went relatively smoothly for us the first time around. But that's not to say we didn't have our share of problems.  

My experience with nursing our daughter went so well that she developed quite an attachment to it. I couldn't go anywhere, as she refused a bottle. And after 3 months of colic and 5 months of being glued to her side, I desperately needed a day to myself. But what to do??? We tried every trick in the book to get her to take a bottle ... even resorting to shelling out $17 for a bottle that looked (and felt) like a breast. No dice. Finally, we did what I dreaded most ... I just left for a day.  

Standing outside a movie theatre in Manhattan, I called my  husband for an update on how the bottle was going. The news was poor. 

"What do you mean she only took an ounce?!" I demanded. "She hasn't eaten in four hours."  

"Well, at least it calmed her down a little," my husband replied.  

"Don't you see she's just staving off the hunger until I get back??" I shrieked. "She's playing you!" 

Yes, I really did think that my 5 month-old daughter was purposely plotting how to lure me back home. When I arrived back to our apartment later that afternoon, I cried as I nursed her ... partially out of guilt for putting her through that ordeal and partially out of frustration for being in the situation we were in. It was after that awful day that slowly, very slowly, our daughter made friends with the bottle. And I was able to regain a little bit of sanity, knowing that I could escape for a stretch of time and she wouldn't starve.  

A friend of mine who is quite familiar with those dark days recently forwarded me an article from The Atlantic Monthly. http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200904/case-against-breastfeeding It's something I wish I would have read prior to the birth of our firstborn. It's called "The Case Against Breastfeeding," written by a woman who, despite what the title might lead you to believe, is a loyal breastfeeding veteran. In it, she essentially tries to ease the intense social pressure that is thrust upon moms to nurse their babies by revealing that some of the benefits of breastfeeding are inconclusive. She tries to tell nursing moms - or moms who want to nurse, but for any one of many good reasons, can't - to give themselves a break.  

I wish someone would have told me that the first time. I resisted every offer for help - no midnight feedings for my husband, no bottles left for relatives who babysat, no emergency can of formula in the cupboard in case I couldn't produce milk. It was all me, and quite frankly, it was a lot of pressure, and even lonely at times. Had I given myself a break, let people assist me, maybe I would not have been standing on a sidewalk in New York, raving like a lunatic with swollen boobs. It's possible.  

There aren't too many things I would change about how we raised our daughter during the first year of her life. Breastfeeding, however, is one of them. Oh, I'm going to nurse our second child - I love the feeling of having her close to me, and it just feels like what my body should be doing - but I will be more open-minded and flexible about the options I have for feeding her. I will, as the author urged, give myself a break, knowing that there are so many things that lead to happiness and health in a small child.